I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
