So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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