He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
