We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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