i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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