i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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