Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize