When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
