he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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