Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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