Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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