My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so explain again why im purple
no
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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