just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
