How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
