Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
420 ftw
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
