this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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