I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
