omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
