I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
