paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
