I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
