Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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