I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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