I wish I could teleport
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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