I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
