i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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