If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
