Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize