wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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