Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize