My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
