i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
