By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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