Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
