so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
