I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i dont even know how to be here
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize