apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
