Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
