woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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