If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I fill condoms, not promises.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
