Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize