so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
