i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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