my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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