fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
