now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
