he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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