I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
