sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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