I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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