I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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