If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
