I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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