he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
