my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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