Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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