He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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