Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
