Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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