like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
