Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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