i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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