At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
