my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
