I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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