im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
