Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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