I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Life is so much better after having sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
